The Modern Day Bridget Jones

I often liken myself to Bridget Jones, but the difference being I am not the singleton, I am the smug married one.  Apart from that we are very alike.  Scarily. I mean not everyone has drunk so much alcohol, (namely a jug of long island iced tea through a straw and bottle of wine washed down with Sambuca) that they have projectile vomited over their best friend in public at the age of 35.  Or driven into a parked car because they were too busy looking at a house that might be for sale and then claimed a giant lorry forced her off the road.  Or written comments on Facebook which almost got her sacked. Or more recently, (last month) walked round the local Waitrose with her skirt tucked into her knickers.  You can see the resemblance can’t you.  I wish I had made that lot up but sadly it is all true.  I am Bridget Jones.

BJ on bed

Image courtesy of Bridget Jones Facebook page.

So of course I acted like the professional adult that I am when I heard about the arrival of the next instalment of Bridget Jones, Mad About The Boy.   I squealed with excitement at a pitch only my two beagles could hear, clapped my hands excitedly and did a happy dance around the living room.

When I read Bridget Jones’s Diary I was in my mid twenties, and as I have moved on so has she.  She is in her late 40’s now and apparently mother to Daniel Cleaver’s child, this has yet to be confirmed.  I too am a mother but thankfully can boast only to be in my early 40’s…VERY early 40’s.   But I wonder how the modern day, middle aged Bridget is coping with technology, social media, the latest diet and fashion trends?

Here, I am imagining the current Bridget Jones…Bridget? Welcome back!

Bridget and … Social Media.

Thursday 12th September

Weight: 11st 10lb (as I am off to Marbs on a girlie weekend I can eat what I like and the diet starts errrr daily actually)

Alcohol Units:  10 ( I have been dry for three weeks to prove a point so I have some catching up to do and counts towards my 5-a day)

Calories:  MyFitness Pal failed to synchronise so basically zero then. Happy face (or insert emoticon as is the norm for all communication these days).

Cigarettes: 0 (smug face, cancels out some of the alcohol).  Note to self, must get batteries for new electronic cigarette thingy.

WIWT:  (What I Wore Today) Nice floral dress, matching tights, boots and tweed jacket. The skinny jean thing must seriously have seen its day by now, surely? Please someone can we move on? Oh and of course my big knickers. Oh Spankx how I love thee and never forget the day you came into my life. We were made for each other.  I knew my big knickers would catch on.

09:00 am

Daniel has dropped the boy off at school (Private of course – meaning I have had to get myself a job to help pay the fees, not to mention the uniform…) so I can come into work early and check the social media accounts for all our clients.  Why these people can’t just pick up the phone I will never know. It’s good to talk. A whole advertising campaign has been launched on this so it must be true.

I may have told a small white lie about my media background when applying for the job. But Social Media, can’t be that hard surely, I am sociable and I have worked in the media.  Perfect fit really.  But nobody told me I needed to be some techno whizz and that I would be carrying about more 21st century gadgetry than you could shake a stick at, or indeed need to learn another language…. namely geek speak.

10:00 am

Bored of dull tweets and self-promotion so bought 5:2 Diet book on Amazon and joined the forum on My Fitness Pal.

10:10 am

Decided today is a non-fasting day so off to the canteen for a cronut.  I read about them on twitter, they are latest craze. Not sure I am convinced as I have not seen them on Great British Bake Off or #GBBO as we know it on twitter.  (You are impressed with my knowledge I can tell.)  They are a cross between a croissant and a doughnut.  Took a picture on Instagram and then recorded each bite on Vine. Would have posted on Google + but still don’t get it, although the idea of a Google hangout is my kinda thing.  Ideal place for a first date, that or Skype.  Although sadly my only experience with Skype involved me forgetting the camera was on and performing my best rendition of  I Will Survive in my underwear to the boys school chums.

10:30 am

Back to the desk but before logging back on to client accounts, check Daily Mail for celebrity news.  Kate Middleton is just lovely.  A quick game of Bejewelled won’t hurt but just don’t get me started on Candy Crush.  Then read the glossary of text speak, internet slang and acronyms as I have no fudging idea what any of this trash on twitter actually means.  If I am to keep this job I am going to need more wool than a flock of overgrown sheep to pull over my bosses eyes. I just need the odd hashtag interjected here and there.

7:30 pm

Cleaver drops boy back having filled him with sugary treats and inappropriate movies so I will need to scrape him off the ceiling before getting him to bed.

10:00 pm

Boy in bed, but not before our weekly language lesson, where the boy teaches me the lingo of the youth today and that ‘LOL’ no longer means Lots Of Love and that Facebook is for old people, and that internet trolls are not ugly monsters but people who start arguments or upset people online.…  Oh well, must make the most of things and embrace new things, after all YOLO.

BJ cover

Image courtesy of Bridget Jones Facebook page.

 

If you have written or would like to write a diary entry, I would love to read them.  Post your links in the comments below.  This could be fun!

 

Todds on Tour – The Gaff

We finally arrived at our luxury resort.  The girl had done good. What a blinder! This couldn’t have been more up my street if I had tried.  My mother would have felt quite at home, it being a gated development with security and everything. The only thing it lacked for her to feel completely comfortable was a Marks and Spencer Simply Food.  The resort was impeccably kept with beautiful gardens and so quiet. All the cars were parked underneath the buildings and so there were very few cars about. Quite the opposite to the hustle and bustle of the frantic campsite we have been to for the last couple of times.

Saint Endreol, Le Muy

Our beautiful villa remained so for approximately 23 minutes, which was long enough for our children’s room to resemble a war zone, having emptied the entire contents of their suitcases on the floor in search for swimming gear.  It wasn’t long before my husband had smashed the curtain pole off the wall in their room in an attempt to swat a mosquito and our room also quickly slid into disarray. We both lived like pigs and stepped out of our sweaty or wet clothes and left them on the floor much like two teenagers.  After all we were on holiday too and so too it appeared were our neat and tidy habbits!

At any one moment in time there were at least 6 wet towels on the floor of the bathroom and the kids slept in unmade beds for 10 days.  They slept on top of the bed covers for a week much to the cleaner’s confusion who after a week made up the beds with sheets.  After another 5 days we pointed out to them that they were actually meant to sleep under the sheets. They didn’t know what they were! Bless

Having realised that all our electricity was included in the price we washed all our clothes at least once and again before we packed them to come home.  The luxury of having air condition in the bedrooms was also slightly abused by us leaving it on full pelt for the entire two weeks day and night.  Well there was no mention of polite requests to only turn it on if absolutely necessary.  The garage door became a thing of novelty and we opened and closed it on many occasions and not just to get the car in and out.

So it is safe to say we made ourselves well and truly at home and made good use of the facilities, determined to get maximum value for our money. After all, we had a new suitcase to buy after one we brought with us broke monumentally in the airport.  About time we ditched the “pikey” bag we got from Frigginrola Fuengirola market!

5:2 Diet Update

Hi all!

I havent posted for a couple of days.  I haven’t posted as I have been thinking, reading and mulling over.  Today I have decided to stop my trial/review of the 5:2 Diet.  Here is why:

  1. Fasting or eating very few calories has resulted in disrupting my sleep quite noticeably.
  2. There are too many unknowns about the long term effects of eating like this.
  3. Too many people will assume that you really can eat whatever you want on your 5 days and lose weight. You won’t!
  4. I am not convinced that all calories are equal so are we even actually eating 500 calories.
  5. Eating this way does not encourage the right relationship to have with food.
  6. All the forums and discussion groups are a vicious circle of questions which never get answered. Is this because there has been no published scientific evidence.  Even if there was, how do we no it hasn’t been manipulated to suggest what it wants us to believe?
  7. Why should I have to feel hungry 2 days a week. What is right about that? Surely if I just ate the RIGHT food consistently throughout the week I would not feel hungry and I would find my optimum weight naturally?
  8. I wasn’t really giving the diet a true test as I was not investigating the health benefits.
  9. Isn’t it a no brainer that over a course of week if you reduce your calorie intake by say 3000 calories albeit over two days, you are bound to lose weight anyway?
  10. I was advised to STOP this diet right now by a health professional and watch this ….